Fail number one
Sometimes, being a foreigner is rubbish. The mistakes you make can often seem beyond comprehension. Case in point - last week I wandered into a drugstore to buy sanitary towels. A relatively simple task, one might think. Even without language skills, surely there are pictures on the pack to indicate what the item might be? A successful young career woman getting on with her day, perhaps. Or maybe a flying towel with wings? The language on these packets in Japan is unfortunately vague, and the design gives nothing away. Still, not to be deterred, I located the corner where absorbent material was stacked. Just above pantyliners (these were obvious by their size), I found packets of towels which indicated various levels of absorbency. Perfect! Job done. I picked one which I had used once before, guessed what the absorbent level I required would be, and marched off to the tills. There were two, so naturally I walked over to the one where a kindly old lady was working.
I handed over the packet and proceeded to root around in my bag for my purse. I looked up to find her shaking her head. I responded by cocking my head to the side (Japanese body language for 'I don't understand').
'Not this', she said.
'Should I pay over there?' I asked her in Japanese. She shook her head more fervently. 'Not this' she said again, pointing to the packet. I was completely lost. What did she want from me?
Then she walked off with the packet back to where I got it from, so I put my purse back in my bag and followed her. Away from the other customers, she began talking again in broken English.
'This.. for me.. senior ladies!'
I had attempted to buy incontinence pads. When I had used them the previous month I remarked that they seemed to have taken the 'odour control' element quite seriously. Oh, fantastic. She indicated the products applicable to me, regaled me with an anecdote about her struggles to understand people when she had visited the USA, and neatly wrapped up the packet that I eventually bought. She was exceptionally kind to me, and discreet too. But I can never return. Oh, the humanity.
Fail number two
Yesterday, one of my worst nightmares was realised. I needed the bathroom, so waited until I knew teachers would either be in lessons or invigilating in exams, then slipped away to where I knew there was a western style toilet. In the corridor, some teachers were tutoring students. I scurried past them and into the bathroom. Locking the door and sitting down, I could hear the teachers talking in the corridor, but they were far and their voices were very low, so I couldn't really hear them over the sound of a lawn mower in the distance.
A lawn mower? When was the last time I had heard a lawn mower? Come to think of it, did the school even have a lawn to mow?
I looked up, and felt my heart stop. The noise was not a lawn mower at all, but a giant asian hornet hovering above my cubicle.
In Japan, such insects are referred to as 'sparrow bees', due to their insane size. Wikipedia has more information here. The sting is deadly and can be administered repeatedly. In addition, the hornet emits a pheramone to attract its nest mates to attack the victim too. Around 40 people die each year from their sting.
So this is it! I thought. This is how I'm going to die. Trapped in a toilet cubicle with a sparrow bee.
What on Earth should I do? The hornet was trying to escape by stupidly banging hard against the window, its buzz getting louder and angrier with every failed attempt. I thought I might be sick; as well as the fear, the adrenaline was making me light-headed. If I stood up, my head would be so much closer to it; maybe it would feel threatened and attack me. Yet, if I stayed where I was, I was a sitting duck. An undignified sitting duck.
The buzzing continued and I made a decision. The advice that you get given when you encounter one of these beasts is to simply get the hell away as fast as possible. I stood up slowly and started to slide my trousers up, my heart racing and apparently banging against the inside of my ear drums.
The buzzing got louder and I started to panic. Why the hell wasn't the zip working?! WHY THE FUDGE HAD THE DESIGNER ADDED A STUPID BUTTON! ...and why had the buzzing suddenly increased in volume by about five times?
I looked up and found the hornet had descended to head level. I screamed. In the distance the teachers stopped talking, though no one came to check on me. Thanks for that, guys! I appreciate it.
As quickly as I had found my voice, I lost it again and froze like a rabbit in the headlights. The hornet hovered in front of me for a few more excruciating seconds, then dropped to ground level, flew under the door, and I heard it fly away out of the open window.
Needless to say, I definitely needed the toilet again after that little episode, but it was well over an hour before I could pluck up the courage to come back, this time ensuring that other people were around and that the window was firmly shut.
I hope this has at least brought a little entertainment to someone out there.
