A series of unfortunate bathroom related events

Fail number one

Sometimes, being a foreigner is rubbish. The mistakes you make can often seem beyond comprehension. Case in point - last week I wandered into a drugstore to buy sanitary towels. A relatively simple task, one might think. Even without language skills, surely there are pictures on the pack to indicate what the item might be? A successful young career woman getting on with her day, perhaps. Or maybe a flying towel with wings? The language on these packets in Japan is unfortunately vague, and the design gives nothing away. Still, not to be deterred, I located the corner where absorbent material was stacked. Just above pantyliners (these were obvious by their size), I found packets of towels which indicated various levels of absorbency. Perfect! Job done. I picked one which I had used once before, guessed what the absorbent level I required would be, and marched off to the tills. There were two, so naturally I walked over to the one where a kindly old lady was working.

I handed over the packet and proceeded to root around in my bag for my purse. I looked up to find her shaking her head. I responded by cocking my head to the side (Japanese body language for 'I don't understand').

'Not this', she said.

'Should I pay over there?' I asked her in Japanese. She shook her head more fervently. 'Not this' she said again, pointing to the packet. I was completely lost. What did she want from me?

Then she walked off with the packet back to where I got it from, so I put my purse back in my bag and followed her. Away from the other customers, she began talking again in broken English.

'This.. for me.. senior ladies!'

I had attempted to buy incontinence pads.  When I had used them the previous month I remarked that they seemed to have taken the 'odour control' element quite seriously. Oh, fantastic. She indicated the products applicable to me, regaled me with an anecdote about her struggles to understand people when she had visited the USA, and neatly wrapped up the packet that I eventually bought. She was exceptionally kind to me, and discreet too. But I can never return. Oh, the humanity.

Fail number two

Yesterday, one of my worst nightmares was realised. I needed the bathroom, so waited until I knew teachers would either be in lessons or invigilating in exams, then slipped away to where I knew there was a western style toilet. In the corridor, some teachers were tutoring students. I scurried past them and into the bathroom. Locking the door and sitting down, I could hear the teachers talking in the corridor, but they were far and their voices were very low, so I couldn't really hear them over the sound of a lawn mower in the distance.

A lawn mower? When was the last time I had heard a lawn mower? Come to think of it, did the school even have a lawn to mow?

I looked up, and felt my heart stop. The noise was not a lawn mower at all, but a giant asian hornet hovering above my cubicle.

In Japan, such insects are referred to as 'sparrow bees', due to their insane size. Wikipedia has more information here. The sting is deadly and can be administered repeatedly. In addition, the hornet emits a pheramone to attract its nest mates to attack the victim too. Around 40 people die each year from their sting.

So this is it! I thought. This is how I'm going to die. Trapped in a toilet cubicle with a sparrow bee.

What on Earth should I do? The hornet was trying to escape by stupidly banging hard against the window, its buzz getting louder and angrier with every failed attempt. I thought I might be sick; as well as the fear, the adrenaline was making me light-headed. If I stood up, my head would be so much closer to it; maybe it would feel threatened and attack me. Yet, if I stayed where I was, I was a sitting duck. An undignified sitting duck.

The buzzing continued and I made a decision. The advice that you get given when you encounter one of these beasts is to simply get the hell away as fast as possible. I stood up slowly and started to slide my trousers up, my heart racing and apparently banging against the inside of my ear drums.

The buzzing got louder and I started to panic. Why the hell wasn't the zip working?! WHY THE FUDGE HAD THE DESIGNER ADDED A STUPID BUTTON! ...and why had the buzzing suddenly increased in volume by about five times?

I looked up and found the hornet had descended to head level. I screamed. In the distance the teachers stopped talking, though no one came to check on me. Thanks for that, guys! I appreciate it.

As quickly as I had found my voice, I lost it again and froze like a rabbit in the headlights. The hornet hovered in front of me for a few more excruciating seconds, then dropped to ground level, flew under the door, and I heard it fly away out of the open window.

Needless to say, I definitely needed the toilet again after that little episode, but it was well over an hour before I could pluck up the courage to come back, this time ensuring that other people were around and that the window was firmly shut.

I hope this has at least brought a little entertainment to someone out there.

Exam practice

Today has been a bit of a long day. I marked some papers from a lesson on travelling. The task was to fill in the blanks of a model dialogue I had written where two people are debating where to go this summer (surreptitiously attempting to get the kids to express their own opinion), so each says a reason why their destination should be chosen and a reason why their partners shouldn't.

"I would like to go to Brazil because I want to buy coffee beans."

"I would like to go to France because I like eating pasta."

"New Zealand is too far, let's go to the USA."

"England is too cold, let's go to New Zealand. We can watch rugby matches."

"How about Mongolia? The culture is amazing and we can see the stars."

There were, of course, some wonderful answers, but the stranger ones have naturally made it to this blog.

After school I held my weekly English club with the students I adore. Next week is the exam so they wanted to study, choosing the past tense with such structures as 'I have already finished.'

A technique that seems to have worked for me in the past is to use crazy examples that will stick their heads so they can recall them in the exam for comparison. Another one is to get them to write their own sentences so they can memorise the rules for forming them.

We came to the grammar aspect 'have you ever ...?' so I tested them with my own questions to get them practising. 'Have you ever seen a Harry Potter film?' I asked. 'Yes, I have seen five Harry Potter films' they chirruped. 'Have you ever been abroad? Have you ever eaten horse steak?' and so on and so forth. Then I asked them to each think of a question to ask me.

Two minutes later:

Students 'Have you ever eaten natto?'

Me - 'Yes, I have eaten natto! But only once!'

'Have you ever been to Kyoto?'

- 'Yes, I have been to Kyoto many times.'

'Have you ever dated an American?'

- Huh?! 'No, I have never dated an American...'

'Have you ever said 'I love you' to a boyfriend?'

- 'Ok! So, we've covered this grammar point, moving on..'

'Sensei!!'

I think they're going to do just fine.

Changing and unchanging things

Everytime I speak to someone from back home, I'm reminded that it's mere weeks and not months that I have left in Japan. Time, once again, is slipping away from me, just as it has done with every experience abroad I've ever had and all the time I spent at University.

The idea of not living in Japan anymore is scary. It's a scarier prospect than arriving here in the first place, and I believe the nice folk on the JET programme when they say reverse culture shock can be even more intense that the initial culture shock. It's all being brought home to me because my lessons are being wrapped up now and I only have two days left at my adored visit school.

How is it possible that I arrived in Japan nearly a year ago? So much has happened and so much has changed. I started thinking today about what I knew back then and what I've learnt, and I was reminded of a song from an anime I once watched with my brothers. It was called The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, and it told the story of a high school girl who was capable of time leaps. Even though I really enjoyed it, I didn't think about it much afterwards. So tonight I watched a clip of one of its song, translated as 'Unchanging things.' You can watch it here:

The film hasn't changed since the last time that I watched it, but I have. For a start I was stunned to realise I understood about half of the Japanese that was being sung.

Every aspect of the mundane elements of that film - the scenery, the food, the classrooms, the melodramatic schoolkids, the trains - has become a part of my life now. Watching this clip again tonight, a year on, I realised that from now on everytime I saw it I would feel a pang of homesickness for a place that was only my home for a little while. If you're about to start the JET programme and you're reading this, savour every single moment because it'll be gone before you know it.

Splash of good fortune

I'm a little bit tipsy, which is unusual for a school night, but I felt I should probably write this post so people could at least laugh at the misfortune (or fortune, depending on your perspective) that led me to cry 'tonight I deserve the chu-hi that's chilling in the fridge!'

After finishing up at my visit school today, I decided to stop off at the shopping mall that's kind of en route to my apartment. I was relaxing and looking at various gifts I wanted to buy and decided to measure my make-up against a small-looking make-up bag (covered in Totoro!!) that I wanted to buy for myself. As I reached into my bag I found an email and two missed calls from my supervisor on my phone. The email read:

"There is an overflow of water in your house. The landlord and a mechanic came there. They need the permission from you. Now I got a call from the principal telling me that a mechanic is fixing the problem, he is now in the verander."

Oh.. poo.

So I rang him straight back, running towards the shopping mall exit even as the phone was ringing. When he picked up he didn't have much more information than was in the email as he was still at school waiting to hear from me. He offered to pick me up from my home station and I pegged it across the bridge and towards the ticket barriers. I slipped onto the train just as the doors were closing and was confronted by a man who stared just a little too hard and had a mild case of halitosis. Running through my mind was every possibility that could have led to my apartment flooding. I'm so careful. I had checked the taps were closed before I left that morning,. A pipe must have burst! My supervisor had said my apartment was 'full of water' - what was damaged? How would I afford the repairs? What a nightmare :(

At my station I slipped off the train as quickly as I had slid on and headed for the exit. 30 seconds later my supervisor picked me up in his car and we hurtled towards what has been my home for the past ten months. We briefly talked about the possibilities, what could have happened, and I felt my heart pounding. Why! I wanted to cry.

5 minutes later we were at my apartment. My supervisor went to park the car as I hopped out and hurtled towards my door, keys already in hand to let any necessary mechanic / plumber / superhero in.

But no one was waiting outside. I knocked and unlocked, and peered in. I expected water to gush out over my wellies.. but nothing. I stepped in and switch the light on. Stuck my head into the bathroom. Tiptoed into the bedroom. Nothing.

Well, it must be the balcony that flooded, I thought.

Nope, the balcony was bone dry. I let my supervisor in, and it quickly dawned on us that the landlord had made a mistake. He called the school and let them know, but his irritation with the landlord was clear. In the meantime I had a couple of kittens and decided to just be grateful my possessions hadn't floated out of my apartment in my absence. Without a doubt I will be doubly paranoid for my remaining six and a half weeks in the shoebox apartment, but I am glad that the place hadn't flooded.

It dawned on me afterwards.. the landlord contacted my school but he had obviously got me confused with someone else. Maybe there is another ALT in my town who is in for a nasty shock tonight? What a long day this has been indeed. I'm glad I had the foresight to buy an alcoholic drink this weekend.

Osaka Aquarium

This weekend I went with some friends to the aquarium in Osaka, which was expensive but definitely a good afternoon out. (Tip: go when you know there won't be so many small children. I was kicked by one and sneezed on by another.)

Here's a link to the website in case you're interested in going. The adult tickets are 2000 yen, with an extra 600 yen getting you a ride on the ferris wheel. I opted not to do this as I am chicken, hear me buckaw.

When you're inside the enormous building, you take an escalator right to the top of the 7 levels and see the otters and the fish and crustaceans that you find near the surface. Then come the sea lions. As you descend you come across ever more kooky and colourful forms of life, from the flourescent, tiny little fish to the big, fat, gormless ones that look as if they have undergone a full frontal lobotomy. Whale sharks and dolphins also make an appearance and sting rays abound.

After we'd spent about two and a half hours looking at everything, we headed to the nearest food court where I had my first Japanese subway sandwich. The guy toasted my bread before he put the cheese on (WHAT) but there was a new flavour we don't have back home - avocado and veggie. You win some, you lose some.

Despite copmpletely tiring myself out this weekend (Friday saw a JET farewell party at an all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink place out in the sticks), I was unable to sleep last night and have been awake this morning since 5.20am. This is probably going to be a looong week folks, so please disregard any uncharacteristic spelling mistakes. I hope all is well back in the land of fish and chips.

Mmm... chips.

Be more careful in future, kid

Yesterday I gave a lesson on the future tense, explaining the difference between ‘I’m going to ~’ and ‘I will ~’

To set the scene, I first decided to revise the past tense, so asked the students very simply what they had done the previous weekend. In this class there are a few more students willing to volunteer than in others, but they were still a little slow to get started. I reminded them that they could get reward stamps for volunteering, at which point the hands started to go up.

Most of them talked about how they practised their instruments or played sports, but one boy raised his hand and with a cheeky smile said ‘I did nothing.’

‘Oh really?’ I asked, moving towards him. If students don’t give full enough answers I have a habit of questioning them further until I’m satisfied they’ve tried their best. I could see from my angle that he had his leg up on a chair too, so I decided to make him really work for his stamp. ‘Why didn’t you..’

I stopped in front of him. The foot that was on the chair next to him was encased in the most enormous plaster cast I have ever seen, with his toes poking sadly out the end. He grinned and pointed at his leg.

‘What did you do??’ I asked, the shock evident on my face.

‘Broken’ he replied.

‘How?’ I persisted, more from curiosity than from any desire to stretch his English. He clenched two fists together and made a snapping-twig gesture, accompanied by a crunching noise.

‘Aaargh!’ I yelled, the class erupting in laughter. ‘Yes but.. how? Football?’

‘Rugby,’ came the answer. I stamped his card and went back to the front of the classroom.

So on I went with the lesson, explaining the grammar and tailoring the questions accordingly. ‘What are you going to do this weekend?’ I asked the class.

Up went the hand of the broken-foot student. ‘I’m not going to do anything,’ he began, pointing melodramatically to his foot. ‘I can’t!’ Another stamp.

‘Any volunteers to read the dialogue?’ I continued. The broken-foot student volunteered himself and his friend.

‘Okay, stand up then.. no no, not you! You can sit down!’ The students normally stand up to read out loud and he wouldn’t be told to sit down if his friend was standing, preferring to balance precariously on one foot. Another stamp.

Every second time I asked for volunteers, he was there, reminding me that he was injured but still soldiering on. Twenty stamps or so later, I came to the final grammar point; using the present tense – ‘I am ~ing’ – to talk about the future.

‘What are you doing after school today?’ came my final question.

‘I’m going to the hospital’ shouted broken-foot student, pointing one last time to his cast.

Okay kid, I get it!!

Japanese efficiency

Sunday morning. Early. The world is awake because, it seems, Sunday is just another day to work in Japan. Last night my neighbours kept me up past 1am (which is a big deal now I'm not a student anymore) so I was looking forward to at least being able to lie in until 9am or later.

At around 6.45am an unexplained loud noise woke me up. Groggily, I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I was aware of moving around outside my balcony.

At around 7.30am the machinery started. Loud hedge trimmers and something that sounded like a pneumatic drill began operating on the area outside my apartment. A group of men were intermittently chattering loudly in Kansai dialect close to my balcony. They sounded so chirpy and awake that I wanted to go out and thump them.

The noise continued and continued, until I was fully conscious and unable to go back to sleep. At 8.45am I gave up and decided to go and make a cup of coffee and start my day. I came and sat at my computer at about 9am and looked out the window to see the guys all loading their machinery back onto their truck, the day's work apparently completed.

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