Things I never thought I would do in Japan...

Speak like an American

The students and teachers at my school have overwhelmingly been exposed to American resources and American English. Unlike some JETs, I didn’t power in thinking ‘Right! This has to stop! Only my English will be used from now on.’ I didn’t stop anyone using American words or American spelling because, at the end of the day, communication is what language is all about. As long as they’re doing things correctly in English, I don’t mind which English-speaking country they base their language on. Why confuse them more?

What I didn’t expect to find myself doing was changing my own speech. In order to make myself understood more easily by the other teachers I sometimes resort to American words to avoid having to explain myself. For example ‘mail’ instead of ‘post’, ‘trash’ instead of ‘rubbish’, ‘vacation’ instead of 'holiday'. I don’t like it, but it makes things easier. As long as I don’t unwittingly change my accent though, I guess it’s okay.

Change how I dress and act to fit in

I underestimated how far I would change my behaviour to fit in around here. In the summer I stopped baring my shoulders for fear of offending someone. I had to remove my nose piercing at the principal’s request, lest the students take drawing pins to their own noses. I’m significantly more submissive in front of authority figures and tend to ‘let things go’ more when someone upsets me. When I speak, even in English, I find myself skirting around making a direct request so I don’t come across as too brash to a Japanese person. I actually don’t particularly like acting this way as I always considered myself a polite person to begin with. One thing I’m looking forward to about coming home is relaxing a little and just being myself.

Gain weight

I was adamant that I would not gain weight out here, but the winter munchies appear to have taken their toll. What else can I do when I’m surrounded by so many temptations? My work trousers are getting tight and I’m certainly not going to buy new ones. As of Monday, we diet.

Complain about Japan

I’m not a Japan-basher, and I certainly know people who complain a lot more than me about how things get done around here. However, I do often wonder why a country as technologically advanced as Japan has yet to get to grips with insulation and central heating. No, heated toilet seats do not compensate for this.

Enjoy Japanese food more than British food

People can slate the English for their cuisine all they want (for the record, France, you are just kidding yourselves. Italy beats you hands down.) But I love our Yorkshire puddings, our Bakewell tarts, our Red Leicester cheese and our pies. For me, British food equals Comfort food. I was not expecting, therefore, to be converted so wholeheartedly to Japanese cuisine. Fish! Tofu! Miso! Onigiri! Okonomiyaki! Yakisoba! Ginger! Soy sauce! Luckily I have already tracked down some Japanese food stores on the internet for when I get home. Sorry Italy, sorry France, you take third and fourth place respectively.

Learn Japanese so slowly

So it turns out Japanese is actually really difficult. Who knew??

Keep calm and carry on

Commuting makes me a bad person. It’s true. Nothing brings out the rage in me like the morning commute of my Tuesdays and Fridays. I start by catching the bus down the road from my shoebox. Err.. I mean.. apartment. This is the smoothest part of the journey. Less than ten minutes down the narrow, winding road, it drops the passengers off at the train station - this is where it all goes wrong. I head towards the stairs and get swept back by the school kids on their way out of the station. I try to use the ‘up’ side of the stairs but it is being used mostly by people coming down. I grit my teeth and dodge the onslaught as best I can, powering my way up the stairs and into the station. Once through the ticket barriers, I hear my train arrive on the platform so I make a break for it… but ignorant businessmen push in front of me, blocking my path with their huge ‘I’m so important’ suitcases. Then, they commit the biggest crime of commuting (in my opinion) - once they have pushed in front of me, they SLOW DOWN. Gah!

I miss my train by mere seconds. I watch it pull away without me as the businessmen settle on the platform to wait for the next train which goes to Osaka (and, coincidentally, does not stop at my station.)

When the next train that I can take arrives, it is full to bursting. I get on and am pushed in all directions by many people. Half of them are wearing facemasks and I feel like I might be in some movie about a deadly virus and the end of the world. Half of them are not wearing facemasks. Those who aren’t wearing facemasks cough without putting their hand in front of their mouth. Someone coughs in my hair and I fight the urge to head butt them on the nose.

Two minutes before I arrive at my connecting station, someone breaks wind. In the warm and crowded carriage (so crowded that if I were to faint, I would remain on my feet until the doors opened) the cabbagey scent is suffocating. I fight the urge to vomit.

At my station, the end of the line, the doors open and belch the passengers onto the platform. Small schoolchildren as young as five run out and weave in between people’s legs to hit the stairs first. Sometimes they trip me up. Most of the time these days, I see them coming. The escalators have a system - stand on the right, walk on the left. Needless to say, the times that I choose the escalator some jerk always steps out in front of me and STOPS on the left. Naturally, people behind me get irate. Must be my fault of course, they can’t see the guy in front of me and I’m very obviously a foreigner. I can’t have figured out the walking rule yet! Gah!

Inside the station I charge down to my connecting train and see it waiting on the platform. Once again people stretch across the staircase, sleepily blocking my path down to the train as they stare into space. Sometimes I say a loud SUMIMASEN as I squeeze past and force myself through the closing doors of the train.

Half the journey complete, and this train only has to go one stop. It is less crowded than the first and is mainly carrying school kids. At my station the door opens and I step towards it.. but the children don’t budge. It takes a good three SUMIMASENs before they scowl up at me and step aside to let me off the train. Seriously kids, WHY stand in front of the door if you don’t want to move aside when people need to get off??

I now need to get the bus to the top of a not inconsiderable hill. The bus is already full when it leaves the bus station, and luckily I learned very early on to stand at the front. As it happens, when you need to get off the bus too, people seem to think that if they ignore you then you won’t need to walk past them and they won’t need to stand aside. The bus picks up a large number of passengers on the way and literally heaves its way up the steep incline. By the time I step off the bus I have been coughed on at least two more times and every second time I get this bus one of the kids breaks wind (I have learnt not to breathe too deeply on this bus.) I think it may be the same kid each time. When I work out who it is I will call his mother and tell her to stop feeding him or her cat food before school.

From the bus stop it’s a ten minute walk uphill to my school, and though it’s the coldest or sweatiest part of my journey, depending on the season, it is also my favourite part. Why? Because I normally have full-on commuter rage by this point and need to breathe calmly and deeply before I eventually walk into the office with my cheeriest ohayo gozaimasu..!!